Awakened The Blog
Sometimes we refuse to put any effort into creating a good life for ourselves because we believe that we don't deserve it. The belief that we aren't deserving usually comes from our early childhood experiences. Maybe the belief came from our early experiences with a sibling or with a teacher. Perhaps we were told that we couldn't have what we wanted if we didn't eat all of the food, clean our room, or put our toys away neatly. Or maybe we were subjected to one of the many forms of abuse. We could be buying into another person's concept or opinion that has nothing to do with our own reality.
Deserving has everything to do with HAVING good in our lives. It's our unwillingness to ACCEPT that gets in the way. Allow yourself to accept good, whether you think you deserve it or not.
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself
in relation to Deservability. Grab a piece of paper, your dairy, or a notebook and complete this exercise to understand more about the power of deservability.
Your answers can be as long or as short as you need them to be - let it flow from within.
- What do you want that you do NOT have now?
Be clear and specific about your desires.
- What were the laws/rules in your home about deserving? Did they tell you that 'you don't deserve' or 'you deserve a good smack'? Did your parents feel deserving? Did you always
have to earn in order to deserve? Did earning work for you? Were you told that you were no good? Or that 'sinners' don't deserve? Were things taken away from you when you did something wrong?
- Do you feel that you
deserve? What is the thought that comes up: Later, when I earn it? Or I have to work for it first? Are you good enough? Will you ever be good enough?
- Do you deserve to live? Why? Why not?
Were you ever told '"You deserve to die" if so, was this part of your religious upbringing?
- What do you have to live for? What is the purpose of your life? What meaning have you created? Are you filled with joy
when you awaken?
- Whom do you need to forgive in order to deserve? Bitterness puts a wall around our hearts and makes it difficult for us to receive.
- What do you deserve? Do you believe: I deserve love and joy and all good? Or do you feel deep down that you deserve nothing? Why? Where did the message come from? Are you willing to let it go? What are you willing to put in its place? Remember, these are thoughts, and thoughts can be changed.
From the above, you can see that personal power is affected by the way we perceive our DESERVABILITY. You deserve the life you believe you can have!
The True Cost of Trying to live beyond your means...........
Recently I've been working with a lovely young woman. A young woman of 28, married for 8 years, with a daughter, aged 3.
For the purposes of this post, I will refer to this woman as Ashley* and her daughter as Claire*
Ashley has given consent to use her sessions as a case study and herewith I will attempt to describe a very common 'syndrome' affecting young families everywhere.
Ashley presented to the Clinic with out of control anxiety, accompanied by a feeling of being overwhelmed and somewhat depressed. There was also a component of insomnia, which we later agreed was being driven and fuelled by the Anxiety.
Ashley worked part time 4 days per week with her daughter being partially cared for by her Mother In Law for 2 days, with the remaining 2 days covered by childcare. Ashley's husband works in the Mining Industry earning a very generous salary.
Ashley and her husband were paying off a lovely home and seemingly had all that a young couple could possibly want or need (by her own admission). Think - 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom home, 2 x large almost new 4WD vehicles, brand new furniture, health insurance and a wardrobe full of 'label' clothing for every member of the family.
After exploring Ashley's current set of life circumstances, we drilled down on where the anxiety was being generated from?
We looked at WHY Ashley had suddenly become nervous, restless and panicky about everyday activities that she previously enjoyed and carried out without any stress at all.
Ashley described her situation as similar to someone 'flicking a switch' and turning her into a complete and utter nervous wreck overnight.
As it turns out and as I am seeing more and more, the anxiety was stemming from the following;
Peer and Social Media Pressure to take an Overseas Vacation, and document every single moment of that vacation on Social Media.
Internalised Pressure to ensure Claire was only seen in 'Label' clothing at all social events.
Externalised and Social Media Pressure to be a 'Yummy Mummy' and fit into an exact size of clothing.
Pressure from 'frenemies' to spend up big and max out credit cards in order to eat out 2-3 times per week.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm the Queen of believing that the harder you work, the luckier you get. I'm also very big on living the best life you can, BUT, and this is a very big BUT, if you can't afford to eat out 2-3 times per week or buy label clothing, or even take that Overseas Vacation, why do it? Seriously, why do it?
Why partake in something that ultimately isn't for your happiness but rather to convey a false image of how wonderful your 'manufactured' life is? Because let's face it, FaceBook, Instagram, and other social networks only show us a tiny slice of reality. A slice of the best. Not often a slice of the nitty-gritty.
Point in case - how often do you see pictures of your friends make-up free, vacuuming the house or scrubbing out the loo? Sadly, they too are parts of life, undocumented, unpleasant but real. Real.
At the very core of Ashley's anxiety was the need to feel validated by being able to 'compete' with her online family and friends. Ashley candidly came to the conclusion that she didn't even really like many of the expensive outfits she had purchased for Claire, but felt that she HAD to do it, to feel socially accepted.
Likewise, the pressure to find thousands of extra dollars for an Overseas Trip was enough to tip Ashley's anxiety into a now bona fide disorder!
I'd like anyone reading this who finds it resonating with them to sit and reflect on that fact. If you're finding yourself losing sleep, panicky or worried about 'keeping up', then perhaps it's time to step back and re-evaluate exactly what a 'great' life really means?
Of course, a great life means different things to different people. However, one thing I can certainly state from a Therapeutic viewpoint is that if your lifestyle is way beyond your earning capacity, something is going to give and sadly, as in the case of Ashley, that has been her mental health and now her ability to care for Claire as she would like to.
The point of this post isn't about delivering a sermon of sorts, it's about the growing number of beautiful, amazing Clients I see who are finding themselves compromised, stressed and in the grips of mental health disorders due to feeling an immense pressure to have it all at 28, 30, 35 -
Here's a secret, a secret I'll share with you as a well travelled life journeyer - you have time. You have time to get it all together, you don't have to have it all now. There's a real joy in waiting, waiting to make that trip, saving for that new car, putting away X amount of dollars for those Nikes every week until you can afford them without adding more stretch marks to that poor old credit card.
There is no holiday, no article of clothing or no car that is worth losing your mental health over.
Simple food for thought.
Random Thoughts: DON'T PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD
I see many clients come into the Clinic with their lives on hold.
Sometimes they are waiting until things get 'better', or until they have lost some weight, or even until they are given permission to move forward in life from a current or ex-partner. This can happen as a voluntary or involuntary action, often clients will struggle with defining exactly what 'better' really means for them.
There have even been occasions where clients have ceased to live an active life due to the fear of scrutiny or criticism from others. While I understand this concept, I also know from a Therapeutic viewpoint, that collectively, we cannot be the 'thought police.' We cannot control what others think or feel about us.
Trying to control another person's thoughts is about as futile as trying to extinguish a raging fire with oil. The reality is, you're not going to put the fire out and in fact, you will simply fan the flames by using the wrong 'medium' to extinguish the source of the flames.
There's a certain magic, a certain empowerment of self when you decide to live by your own rules, free of the constraints of judgement, of both self and others. It's also quite astonishing to realise that the more you cast aside your inner critic, the more you learn to accept others.
It's one of the most liberating things you can 'learn' in life. The important message here is, there's never really going to be a perfect time in life. Yes, things may be managed and controlled, but really, when we attempt to define 'perfect' - what is perfect?
I really like this accompanying meme and it speaks to me in a simple yet eloquent way. NOW, now is the time to grab hold of your life and enjoy every moment as it occurs.
Please don't wait, please don't put your life on hold. All we have is the now. Living in the past leads to depression, living in the future leads to anxiety. It, therefore, makes perfect sense to simply enjoy the day, week, month, as it chooses to unfold.
If you enjoyed this little read or simply like the meme, like and share with your friends.
All rights reserved. Vicki Childs.
Please call or message the page for more information on Therapies and Techniques to ensure you are living firmly in the NOW.
The Real Beauty of Ageing
On Thursday afternoon my husband and I, accompanied by our 2 ‘Elderbull’ Staffordshire Bull Terriers decided on a mid-week jaunt to one of our favourite spots. It’s a quiet and secluded little beach up near the beautiful shores of Port Stephens.
The Clinic had been reasonably quiet during the week and with the Weather, glorious and inviting; we decided to take advantage of our hard worked for early-enforced semi-retirement.
As I’d been pottering around home, I decided to simply throw on some shoes, grab the dogs and head towards our destination. This for me is rare and I guess it is one of the benefits of now residing in a town where almost no one knows you, there’s absolutely no pressure to look a certain way or be made up, just in case you happen to run into someone you know from your previous life. That’s a godsend and a blessing all in one, but it’s also a subject for another blog.
Shortly after arriving at our secret spot, we ambled down onto the pristine white sand. We were very surprised that it was blowing an absolute gale, as opposed to being quiet and calm back home, only 30 minutes away.
Looking down the stretch of sand, we appeared to have the whole beach to ourselves and with that; I indulged in a little reckless behaviour. Behaviour that I normally don’t carry out without weighing up the precautions. I let my old boy Stafford off his lead, as this beach is a lead-free dog beach. Normally, I don’t let ‘Big Dewy’ off even at assigned lead-free beaches, more for his safety than others. Being a Stafford and a big one at that, as his name implies, if a young bouncy dog approaches in a manner he doesn’t like, he can be a bit tetchy.
So, as we sat back enjoying the amazing vista of blue and teal, tinged with golden hues, we happened to hear a car roar into the car park with gay abandon, followed by distinctive girly giggling.
I looked to see where ‘Big Dew’ was and turned my head back to spy a young, hard-bodied goddess alight from that car with only a very teeny see through G String on. Other than that, she was au natural in her birth suit.
Now, here’s where things get remarkable. This beautiful firm young Goddess bounced onto the Beach right in front of us with an equally stunning Photographer in tow. At first, I was a little shocked at the sight of this model striding in all her glory onto that white sand, which to be truthful paled into nothingness against her firm toned torso and flowing flaxen mane. If you happen to be wondering, I’m as straight as the proverbial die, but with age have come to appreciate the human form in ways which were previously foreign to me, probably best explained in this blog, in fact.
It took me a few minutes to come to the self realisation that instead of feeling threatened or reverting to my normal
modus operandi of immediately comparing myself to this young woman and wishing that I had a ‘better’ and ‘slimmer’ body, that I actually sat in awe of her confidence and willingness to strut her stuff. I also understood as a 50+ woman
the dedication and effort that amazing torso would have required.
Suddenly, without even a hint of warning, our big boy Stafford decided to take a personal liking to this gifted young woman in the form of licking off her fake tan and inspecting her birth suit with his sandy wet nose.
Yes, that’s right, slowly, methodically, licking off the coconut goodness so lovingly applied for the photo shoot. To say I was a little embarrassed might be understating the obvious, but for my poor better half, aka hubby, it was almost ‘Kubrickian’ in nature. Not knowing where to look, attempting to grab the dog, flesh flying here, there and well, everywhere. It was a scene straight out of an old 80’s flick. Hilarious yet cringe-worthy. Yes, very 80’s in hindsight.
All jokes aside, here’s the real thing. Here’s the real bona fide beauty that comes with age.
For the very first time in 40 years, I felt no need to compare myself to this young woman. I felt completely comfortable in who I am, and the body I now have. I have to be honest, it absolutely shocked me, but the part that really surprised me to my inner foundation was that I had no issue or no pang of insecurity while my husband admired this beauty. This was a revelation. An authentic and rarely experienced real revelation.
You see, I believe that for many women, and let me preface this by saying, not all women, but many, we are conditioned from a very young age that beauty in others is something to be feared, that beauty in others can sometimes equate to a predator of sorts. In fact, often, we are told to stay away from ‘beautiful’ friends because they might just take a fancy to your man! I can now see how utterly stupid and counterproductive this type of thinking is and was.
Not only does that type of thinking allude to the fact that most men are nothing but dingbat womanisers’ it’s a form of feminine patriarchy, which promotes undesirable masculine behaviour, such as believing that the prettiest and slimmest woman, is the one who gets the guy and while sometimes that can be true, let’s face it, few people are bestowed with physical perfection beyond that of personal preference.
As I sat on the old partially broken felled tree, it finally dawned on me, like that moment when you accidentally swallow a fly, you know it’s awful, you know that fly’s gone right on down deep inside, but you also know that there’s nothing you can do about it. You simply have to accept what is. You have to invest in the new you. The new you, that doesn’t feel any need to compete, the new you that is grateful for a still functioning body. Albeit, a pretty wrecked and ravaged body, but a functioning body, nonetheless.
That afternoon and several times since, I’ve felt a sense of weightlessness, like a huge dark cloud has been banished, banished into oblivion. Much like the need to compare and ultimately invalidate my own gifts, by comparing those gifts, to the gifts of others.
Today, I’m mostly glad. I’m so glad that I can finally just be, unencumbered by the need for a firmer, slimmer, more supple body. I am also immensely grateful for what my body has gifted me over the years. The amazing and wonder-full blessing of children, the ability to do mostly what I want, to move my limbs at will, the ability to love and nurture others with the power of touch. To finally see and behold true beauty in others, through the glorious five senses.
These things my friends, these are the real beauty of ageing. No comparison. Self Acceptance and Gratitude for what is, and of course a body that has a story to tell, unique, amazing and all mine!
I kind of dig this 50’s gig.